tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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