Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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