I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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