boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
