my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
