I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
