i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize