What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just blew my weed a kiss
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I am mentally ready for anal.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
