I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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