i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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