a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
