I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
