How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's Friday. Sex?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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