That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
