if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
