Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
