would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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