She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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