The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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