i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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