the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
