party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
