You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
