I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
