you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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