mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Randomize
