In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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