dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
