____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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