He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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