I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
