Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
