I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
