..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
