the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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