Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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