As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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