just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
