if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
