I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
