pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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