He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
