i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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