Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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