I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
