If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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