i would punch a child for taco bell
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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