Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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