awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
