dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
