well I can't set my house on fire every night
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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