Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
