Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
