so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
