That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize