Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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