sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
