I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
