oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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