I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
