you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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