Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize