did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
