his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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